Build It And They Will Come
by SeaSaw
Summary: Rated M simply for language and some bad behaviors. Just a series of little oneshot drabbles written while writing my two main stories to help clear out some mental room. Reviews would still be lovely even though these are horribly sub par.
1. My Little Book of Secrets 1

_I wonder what people feel right before they die, right before they take their last breath. People claim that the mind would instinctually shut down due to the shock but I can't believe that someone would simply shut their mind out with 5 seconds left to remember where their life took them. Logically it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to go blank especially stuck in the situations the Jigsaw killer puts people in. Think about it "I gotta get that k--shit, what was I thinking? BAM!" Does anyone think about it that way? I guess not, it would be kind of sick to think about how people feel while being tortured before they die. In those last seconds is it your family and friends you think of? What you had for dinner the night before? Everything you never got a chance to do? Everything you did that you shouldn't have? Do you contemplate the meaning of life, the meaning of __**your**__ life? Do you feel sorry for yourself or for the people who suffered before you? How about the people that suffered due to what you did in your lifetime? What about the lonely man, homeless and helpless standing on the side of the street begging for a chance to feed himself when he's one breath away from dying? What about the mother with three children to feed, a dead-beat father who doesn't support them and beats her every night? What about those who died before you, who left you behind to learn the hardest lesson of your life - how to live without someone else breathing life into you?_

_I guess I failed miserably at that. I couldn't live with the death of the two most important people in my life, instead I destroyed myself in hopes that maybe, just maybe one day I would succeed and see them again. It wouldn't have been what they wanted but it was what I wanted so desperately. I wanted to cry my last tear, close my eyes, and drift away without a last thought but sometimes life has different plans for us. I didn't plan on anything that's happened to me in the past months, in fact it would have been the furthest thing from my mind. Sure, everyone knew about the Jigsaw killer and I had a lot of moments thinking "Damn, I'm screwed if that man ever figures out who I am." Then strangely enough I make friends with that very same man, divulge the idiot things I had been doing in response to my tragedy (which I'm certain he knew by that point) and end up fighting to stay alive when all I thought I wanted to do was die. I guess that's it though, isn't it? I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to live without so much anguish and pain. I wasn't living before, I was a robot just going through the motions trying to fit in to what little image others had created for me. I had to open up my eyes, I had to realize that I was me, not them but I can honestly say that I would have never been capable of doing it without seeing my own mortality before my very eyes. _

_They say pain lets you know you're still alive but emotional pain I can truly say kills every bit of your spirit that you may have left. Any shred of hope normally stands in the darkness waiting for you to shine light upon it. Without love the heart dies, without life the spirit fades away, and without faith your soul withers. But before you can love another you must learn to love yourself, before you can live you must understand what life really means, and before you can have faith you must believe in the faith others have in you. Sun up to sun down I will forever remember to take it one day at a time, breathe deep, and believe that someone else believes in you. Life is mankind's greatest and most perilous journey filled with pain, regret, sorrow, joy and passion that only ends when you stop living it. I shouldn't say "thank you" so I'll just say "__**I believe in you**__"._

John sat back in the chair at his desk and held tightly to the book in his hands. He had provided her with somewhere to write her thoughts, feelings, anything she needed to get out and she executed it well. Her words were powerful, leaping from the page into the very soul that breathed life into him. Smiling, he looked over his shoulder at her asleep in his bed before closing the book and pushing his chair back. She was becoming more then John had anticipated and yet she still was fragile and delicate. She broke down in silence, she suffered alone and let no one know, and every breath she took was shaky and full of doubt yet she was still breathing new life into herself. John was the only one privy to her need for comfort, her need for affection, and he took it without hesitation. He set the book down under the pillow where he found it when he returned home. She was clutching the pillow tightly to herself as if seeking some sort of comfort that words alone couldn't give her. He leaned down and brushed the back of his hand against her cheek "And I believe in you." As he walked away to go work down the hallway with Amanda her words continued to ring through his mind, truer words that couldn't have been spoken by any other, including John himself : _**Life is mankind's greatest and most perilous journey filled with pain, regret, sorrow, joy and passion that only ends when you stop living it. **_


	2. I'm Still Here

**- - flashback - -**

Everyone hooted and hollered as she pounded the remaining quantity of Tequila in the bottle, cringing as it burned on the way down, mixing with the already excess amount of alcohol she had consumed that night. Raising the bottle from her lips, her head tilted back, she stuck out her tongue, catching the last drop of alcohol before raising her other hand, everyone cheering. She lowered the bottle, practically slamming it onto the coffee table in front of her and cringed, shaking her head and closing her eyes.

"Holy fuck, I'm done guys. I can't do this for another hour with you guys, otherwise I'm gonna end up trying to get into someone else's apartment." Michelle waved a hand dismissively at the offered drink, hearing the boos as two of her female co-workers smashed themselves against her, taking her arms and shaking her to beg her to stay. Shaking her head, she laughed and waved them off, taking her time to stand up from the couch and hope she didn't fall flat on her face at this juncture. Once sure she could manage the walk home, she placed a hand on her friend Christine's shoulder before she was drug into an uncomfortable hug - she adored her, but she wasn't one to show affection to people and since she was drunk, she knew Christine realized she could take her fair share of advantage of her.

Christine gently guided her to the door, stopping in the doorway as the guys in the house chanted her name, turning to look over her shoulder and wave them off for the time being. "Michelle, are you sure you can make it home safely? You're pretty trashed and I've never seen you like this. Is everything okay?"

"Christine…for the love of god…I'm fine, stop worrying about me. I just had a rough few weeks, okay? Let me work out my problems on my own. I'm a big girl."

"I know but--"

"Goodbye Christine!" shoving her friend back through the door, she stumbled down the stairs before stopping and trying to focus her spinning gaze. She took careful, gingerly steps down the walkway out to the sidewalk. Her home was a few blocks away and thankfully she still had the ability to think about what direction to go so she didn't really end up lost.

Amanda sat in the car with John, shaking her head slowly as she watched the next subject stumble aimlessly down the sidewalk. "She couldn't get out of a fucking trap even if she was given full instructions with the way she is right now. I remember those days, this girl is going to get herself killed."

"We won't be doing anything tonight. I simply wanted to get a better idea of her habits."

Amanda looked over at John, shaking her head and sighing, pointing towards the disappearing figure "What exactly is so special about her? She's like half the population her age, why are you so eager to test her? And why so lenient?"

"Amanda. She's tried multiple times to kill herself. If she wants to die so badly, I feel she might as well show me. I have doubts that she's interested in really ending her life but feels life is unfair to her and is doing this to cope with the trauma she's faced." John tapped the steering wheel with his fingers before turning off the lights to the car and pulling out from the alley they were hiding in. "I've spoken to her on many occasions. She has a lot to offer the world but fails to use it properly. She's helped me so I feel it necessary to help her."

"What if she can't be helped John? Then what?" Amanda watched her as they stayed back, following her as if John was intending to make sure she made it to her apartment safely without problems.

John looked over at his apprentice for a moment, grinning that trademark grin before turning his attention back to the street to watch Michelle stumble up her steps, unlock her door, and make it inside. "We cannot help everyone. I have a feeling though she's much more then she pretends to be."

**- - end flashback - -**

"Hey, you okay? Hello??"

She looked up, shaking her head slowly as she managed to zone out at the most inopportune moment, smiling sheepishly and running her fingers through her hair before pushing a few strands behind her ear. "Yeah, yeah, sorry. I just--"

"Zoned out? I do that too sometimes. Especially when I think of my friend. I swear she has to be dead by now, it's not like her to disappear this long." Christine sighed and leaned against the counter, her eyes red from crying over the disappearance of Michelle and lack of information about where she might have possibly gone.

Michelle bit her bottom lip, frowning a bit before nodding and pulling the hood up a bit tighter. "I'm…sorry. But, you know, don't lose hope. Sometimes--"

"No, I've heard that so many times. There's no hope here, it's been months. She hasn't called, they can't find her. Did you know they found her apartment destroyed? I think someone kidnapped her and…" Christine dropped her face into her hand, trying to silence the oncoming sobbing fit. She had been having trouble focusing on work and even worse, this woman looked so much like her friend that she could hardly stand it.

She sighed and dropped her head, reaching out and gently touching her arm as if making some small attempt to comfort her. When Christine's head shot up and she saw her smile she at least felt some form of relief in her aching heart - she never imagined someone would be so destroyed over her disappearance. Moving her hand away, she took the bag of medical supplies from the counter and nodded to Christine, heading towards the doorway.

"Oh! Wait, you've been here like three times but I don't know your name. Is there someway I can address you? I feel rude."

Pausing at the door, she placed her hand on the handle, pushing it open slightly before peering out the side of the hood, grabbing the first answer off the top of her head. "You can call me…whatever you like." With that she exited the shop, having no real answer to give her and not wanting to spend too much time in the fear that eventually she would be recognized and all hell would break lose.

* * *

**Okay guys, I'm hitting a tiny little writer's block and although that's not a major issue, I've gathered up enough reviews and information from my readers to realize that a lot of you have things you would like to see me write.**

**So I'm asking my readers and those who enjoy** **my stories to please send me PMs with ideas that you would like to see me write about. I'm pretty much open to anything and willing to give a number of things a shot.**

**I write because I love it but I also love to write for you guys, so drop me ideas, tell me what you'd like and I'll even give you a little shout-out in the beginning of the story to let you know that I wrote it for you. **

**Aaaaaaand go!**


	3. My Little Book of Secrets 2

"_I have a question."_

"…_and I have an answer."_

"_What do you think is the meaning of life?"_

_Ever have that conversation? Just about everyone in the human race has had this very conversation with friends, family, or sometimes even complete strangers. Yet no one knows the answer. Is it really that simple? Can this question be answered with ease or is it something that requires a number of answers all compiled to make complete sense? Before I didn't know how to answer this question and I had had it more then my fair share of times. Now that I look back at this very question I think I've compiled an answer that can not only be attributed to myself but one that every person in the world can say they agree with. _

_Picture yourself standing in the middle of a New York City street or whatever city you want to choose. Imagine looking around you and all that you can hear is the sound of your own heart beating. You can see everyone and everything around you but they cannot see or hear you. You scream to make your presence known but people continue to walk past you as if you never existed. You feel a twinge of pain in the reality that you are simply one in millions - a single number that can be overlooked, stepped on, and forgotten within the blink of an eye. Imagine all your friends passing you off for the new face that shows up. Imagine all the pain you feel from years of suffering and how much you want that suffering to end. Now picture that same situation sitting amongst a bunch of trees, the smell of flowers, the laughter of children. Picture seeing life being lived by the smallest creatures - from the tiny little ant struggling to get food to the family to the fox carrying it's pups to safety._

_What does any of this have to do with the meaning of life? Everything. For the first time in a long time I had the chance to sit down and see with my own eyes things that I overlooked so easily. I felt the peace and serenity of loneliness while also feeling the tinge of pain it caused. I caught the scent of orchids - a flower I would have never recognized in my busy hustle to be just like everyone else, ignoring the world around them. I saw joyful children playing with one another, completely unaware of the struggles and sins of their parents who played with them joyfully._

_Life is what we make of it. We can choose to be like the masses and forget everything surrounding us or we can choose to open our eyes to the reality that surrounds us. What life means is what we want it to. Do you want life to be full of fun and no consequences? How about serious and lacking fun and enjoyment? How about mischievous and destructive to others around you? What about it being full of love and hope but sheltering the sorrow till it builds to an explosive point? Maybe you want to live alone with no one by your side only to self destruct? Or how about living a lie only to feel the comfort and affections of another to know your alive? _

_Half of the world is living life as if they are dead, not exploring the reality of their surroundings or the life they've molded for themselves. Everyone lives sinfully until they suffer the consequences of living that "less-then-savory" lifestyle they are so engulfed in. If you life your life running through the rat race you will never truly have lived. _

_So how do you truly live? Well, for starters you learn to forgive yourself for your transgressions. You learn to forgive others for the things they did to you, the pain they caused. You acknowledge that you cannot change everything and for those things that you can't change, you accept them as they are. You learn to love people even if you don't remember why, even if they caused you pain because somewhere else in the world someone is deciding to ease the pain of not being loved by another. You accept responsibility of the things you should have done differently and you apologize to those affected by everything you procured. You dream a little bit deeper and realize that having dreams doesn't meant you'll fail, you just need to press on in hopes of achieving them. You need to give yourself purpose because no one else is going to give it to you. _

_Okay, so some people would disagree with this being the meaning of life for them, but who are the ones that do? They're the sinners and the saints living lies believing they are who they are when in reality they are capable of much more. They are the ones unable to understand that in order to change your life you have to be proactive. They are the individuals who don't believe in themselves and who won't allow others to believe in them as well. And the people who believe they are already living will continue to live without truly seeing life before their eyes._

_I hate that you know me so well. I hate that you want me to be by your side. I hate what you've turned me into. I hate how you've brought me to life. I hate that I can feel because of you. I hate how much I hate you. I hate that I care, that I bleed for you, that I __**want**__ to. I hate…that I love you._

She put the pen down slowly, reading over the last line before closing her eyes and putting a hand to her forehead in frustration. She rubbed at her temples with her head dropped down, unaware of the movement behind her.


	4. Does Not Play Well With Others

**- - flashback - -**

"Do you always have to be such a bitch to people?"

"You're the one who drug me here, lets not forget that. I despise large crowds and these people are the most pathetic human beings I've ever met." Michelle glared at Christine before setting her drink down on the table and rose from her chair. "Places like this are only breeding grounds for people to be fucking obnoxious and grind on each other in hopes that, by chance, they'll end up fucking each other."

"Christ Michelle, get a fucking personality."

"No thanks." she smiled sarcastically and waved off her annoyed friend as she headed down the stairs to get a bottle of water. The only reason she was here was because her friend insisted that she 'get out and socialize' with people she could relate to. Too bad she couldn't relate to a single soul in her life lately. Strands of black hair fell in her face as she walked with a purpose, ignoring the prying eyes of those she passed, watching her like this was a hunting trip and they were sizing her up. Getting to the bar, she asked for a bottle of water before turning around and leaning against the bar top. She peered out of the corner of her eye as a blonde-haired boy slid up beside her, rolling her eyes as he bumped into her and used the 'apology approach', staring at her.

"Take a picture sweetheart. It lasts a hell of a lot longer." Grabbing the bottle of the bar, she went to leave before he jumped in front of her smiling.

"Easy baby. I just wanted to ask your name."

"None of your damn business. And don't call me baby." Shoving him aside, she walked right past him, the crowd she walked through all laughing at the fool that just got shot down hard. Making her way back upstairs, she sat down next to Christine who was twirling a stirrer in her drink and glaring at Michelle. "What? Don't get pissed at me."

"You're full of so much fucking charm Michelle, it's unreal." Christine cracked a smile watching Michelle's narrowed gaze change into a smirk as she shook her head, taking a drink from the bottle. "Look, I'm gonna go dance with some fool so I feel like one of these little tramps bouncing around on the floor."

"You go do that. Be safe, alright? I don't want to have to kill someone." Christine laughed as she smiled and shoved her before heading down the stairs to the dance floor. Michelle leaned over the table, peering down at the dance floor and watching every place she went. If there was one person in the world she could at least consider a friend it was this girl. Though horribly misguided about the merits of mankind, she at least handled Michelle's abrasive personality better then most. She placed her arm over the back of the chair and leaned back, raising a brow as another idiot tried his luck. Before he said anything she held a hand up, closing her eyes and shaking her head "No."

"But I didn't even say anything."

"There you just did, bye." Finally looking at the guy standing before her she smirked at his facial expression before peering over the railing to the dance floor below. She furrowed her brows at the sight of Christine trying to push someone away and as the boy in front of her tried to say something else, she stood up, interrupting him. "Sorry, I have some business to attend to." Heading down the stairs with a vengeance she pushed through the crowd on the floor, coming up behind Christine quickly. "Is there a problem here?" The guy who had a hold of Christine's arm glared at her, Christine looking terrified and silently begging for her to do something. She grabbed his wrist, digging her nails in but when he didn't let go she placed herself between him and her friend, shoving him forcefully. "Back the fuck off my girlfriend you asshole."

"Girlfriend? You two are fucking lesbians? Prove it."

The girls both looked at one another before Michelle grinned at the offending moron and took hold of her friend's face, their lips pressing together, Christine smiling through the kiss herself. They got an unwanted audience of guys cheering, both of them trying not to laugh through the display and by the time they were done, the idiot waved them off and went on his next expedition for a cheap whore. Both girls laughed and Christine grabbed Michelle's hand, heading through the crowd and upstairs to grab their things.

As they walked down the street together, Christine shoved Michelle, shaking her head and giggling "I can't believe you did that. And I thought you were boring."

"Thanks a lot. Come on, lets get you home."

"But…you're gonna walk home alone?"

"Yeah." she shrugged and waved a hand dismissively. "I do it all the time, it's not like someone's gonna kidnap me. I'd piss them off so much they'd throw me back out on the street." She grinned as Christine laughed and shook her head, both girls heading towards her apartment.

**- - end flashback - -**

_This used to be a funhouse. But now it's full of evil clowns. It's time to start the countdown. I'm gonna burn it down, down, down. This used to be a funhouse. But now it's full of evil clowns. It's time to start the countdown. I'm gonna burn it down, down, down. I'm gonna burn it down. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, __**fun**__. _

"No. I don't want to know your name, I don't want your number, piss off." She didn't even look at the guy who approached, hearing 'bitch' as he walked away. She smirked and shook her head, tapping her fingers on the bar top as she watched the people smashed together in masses on the dance floor of the club she once visited for a different purpose. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a picture, looking it over before crumpling it and dropping it on the floor, stepping on it and as she made her way through the crowd. She had a rather taunting smirk on her face as everyone she passed watched her every move, bringing her hand up to brush a strand of red hair out of her face. Once she got into the middle of the dance floor she looked around, smiling as she spotted who she was looking for and motioned for the guy standing against the DJ stand to come to her. As he obeyed with a big grin she waited till he got to her, grabbing his hand and turning her back to guide him through the crowd…

Leaning back in the chair she took the hair tie around her wrist and tied her hair up in a loose ponytail, tilting her head to the side. She leaned forward, tapping the monitor till it scrambled and started to show a clear picture again, smirking and propping her feet up on the table. Some people just didn't deserve her pity. She reached down into her shirt, taking hold of the chain around her neck and pulling it up, rolling the ring on the end of it around in her fingers before letting it hang loosely around her neck again "Let the games begin…"


	5. My Little Book of Secrets 3

"_Send a message to the unborn child, keep your eyes open for a while. In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else. There's a piece of a puzzle known as life wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight. Whatever happened to the young man's heart? Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart. And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45. Swimming through the ashes of another life. No real reason to accept the way things have changed, staring down the barrel of a .45."_

_The news is some of the most depressing shit you'll ever see in your life. People suffering, dying for pointless reasons, becoming trapped in a world of lies and deceit. It's amazing that very few of the world's inhabitants try to find a silver lining in life - I was one of those people. I thought life was just a journey of pain and torture and that one day it was up to me to stop the pain with whatever tools I had at my execution. It's amazing how much you really want to live when death is inevitable. But then there are the select few that just don't feel that way. My father was one of those people, his world turned upside down and his life going on a downhill slide that he felt he could never change. I can't honestly say I never knew a sight as horrifying as that of watching someone I loved end their life. I guess to him, the gun was the easiest way, the quickest. A lot of people try the pills approach, normally within the confines of their own sanctuary so no one sees. Imagine staring into the face of who is supposed to be the most important man in your life and watching him cry. What do you say when you never saw it before? What do you say at the age I was? I was a kid, just barely understanding that the world was a cruel place to live - I still believed that everything was beautiful, boy was I wrong. I can still feel his hand burning an imprint on my cheek as he touched me before picking up the revolver, putting it to his temple, and pulling the trigger. The sound was deafening and I never even blinked. My mother said I was in shock, completely damaged and when I finally shed a tear, it was at the hospital where they pronounced him dead. I felt like the walls around me crashed into the very floor that was keeping me from falling into a pit of nothingness. Then my life went to shit - I understood what people meant when they said life wasn't fair and that you might as well suck it up and realize that nothing you imagined would ever be the way you pictured it._

_I thought my world was turned upside down then, but now I live in a place where no matter what I want, I have to look at life one day at a time. I don't see it always with rose-colored glasses, but I have learned one very important thing - to value the time that I have. It's not to say that time won't be cut short unexpectedly, but I made the choice to live when death did more then knock on my door - it kicked that motherfucker down. And not only did it do it once, it did it another time when I was stupid enough to think that the answer to all my problems was the darkness my father chose to slip in to. Sometimes I wonder what the man who, well, saved me would say to him if he had the chance to stand before him. What would he tell the man and woman that left me to learn that life is about as big of a pain in the ass as I was when I was a kid? _

_**Please don't cry one tear for me, I'm not afraid of what I have to say. This is my one and only voice so listen close, it's only for today. I just saw Hailey's Comet, she waved, said "Why you always running in place?" Even the Man in the Moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. I'm not angry, I'm just saying sometimes goodbye is a **__**second**__** chance. Here is my chance, this is my chance.**_

John held the book in his hand, reading through the journal entry before leaning against the doorway and watching the young woman after he heard her singing to what she assumed was herself while she worked diligently. She had her iPod headphones in and was clearly not the least bit aware of his presence. Smiling, he closed the book gently and watched her, shaking his head ever so slightly - if he could only teach more people and have them learn the way she did, the world would be a better place.


End file.
